Okay, chaps, here’s the deal. I was trolling around TVTropes, as I am wont to do from time to time, and I happened upon an entry for a Harry Potter fanfic. It was called My Immortal, and was promised to be the worst thing ever written since the creation of human language, and it intrigued me.
Via twitter, I discovered that another enterprising soul (young Teddy Leach) had already read it, and done a Dramatic Commentary on the text. His take on it made me giggle, so I figured I’d steal the idea and do my own commentary. I’ll be doing it in chunks of roughly five chapters, whenever I can be bothered.
You should also read Teddy’s too, because he is hilarious and has a different take on certain things that I do. But read mine first. I have the better beard.
And so begins the experiement. Notes in blue are by me, everything else is as written.
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling [Did she not want to help you with the author’s not then? What a great friend]. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!
Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way [Hi, Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way!] and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips [Your hair sounds like an exotic form of reed that grows around distant ponds in a fantasy kingdom] that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears [The only possible definition of limpid that I can see you reaching for, dear, is “completely calm; without distress or worry”, owing to the fact that you probably don’t have transparent eyes, and I think you may wish to amend your testimony]and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie [I don’t know about you, but I just can’t find someone properly sexy unless they share my blood]. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white [So are most vampires’. Rarely are they jagged and black]. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots [Today I was wearing SLUT SLUT SLUT and SLUT. It really brings out my sexual promiscuity]. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow [You’re a mime, aren’t you?]. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about [Because the sun is so prep, yo]. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them [It is my sexiest finger, and I wanted to show it off].
“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was… Draco Malfoy!
“What’s up Draco?” I asked [I dread to think what someone has inserted into young Malfoy to make him act in such a way as he is about to].
“Nothing.” he said shyly.
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away [Fuck you, Draco. I have a cadre of cackling harridans to hang out with!].
AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! [No.]
AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! [No.]
The next day I woke up in my bedroom [I had gone to sleep there, so in all honesty I would have been shocked to wake up anywhere else. Like the cellar or the store room of Harrods]. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had [Doesn’t she know that mineral blood is just a massive con by the soft drinks industry? You can get equally as good blood from local sources for a fraction of the price]. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends [The eye-gouger deluxe model]. I got out of my coffin and took of [I believe you mean ‘off’] my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on [The classy look. I approve]. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears [Pierced? That’s not very emo of you, dear], and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.
My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u! [No, it’s Willow. If it was supposed to be your friend Raven then just call her Raven]) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes [She grinned at you without opening her forest-green eyes? Does she have slut-dar?]. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)
“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly. [OH EM EFF JEE!]
“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing [Good thing you had plastered your face with white foundation so as to hide the blush, eh? The last thing you need is for people to suspect you of human emotions].
“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.
“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted. [Methinks the slutbag doth protest too much]
“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.
“Hi.” he said.
“Hi.” I replied flirtily. [Do you mean ‘flirtatiously’? If so, please show me how you did this. Try as I might, I’ve never been able to have a woman at ‘hello’]
“Guess what.” he said.
“What?” I asked.
“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me. [Nothing is ‘well’ about this]
“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed [awkwardly and somewhat shrewishly]. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.
“Well… do you want to go with me?” he asked.
I gasped [because I had no idea that was coming! I mean, guys are like so deep, you know?].
AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! [Shan’t] odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.
On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels [Notice she puts on her boots before the rest of her clothes]. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front [You mean you put on a corset?]. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists [As you do]. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding [The Big Book of Teenage Angst Clichés, by Ebenezer Crow McDarkenbroody. A classic tome] and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway [Except when I was blushing]. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert [This isn’t just blood, this is M&S extra virgin blood].
I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car [Chicks dig the car]. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).
“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice [Great start to a date, there].
“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666 [Except it didn’t, because that’s not even enough characters for a vanity plate]) and flew to the place with the concert [The place that you’ve already forgotten the name of? Tip: it’s Hogsmeade. Probably the Hog’s Head, seeing as it’s the only venue in the entire town mentioned in canon]. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs [Rebels]. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.
“You come in cold, you’re covered in blood They’re all so happy you’ve arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song [Yes, I worked that out myself. These three university degrees aren’t just for show, my friend]).
“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice [Seriously, woman, you’re on a date. This is not how you ingratiate yourself to your potential suitor. I speak from experience here].
Suddenly Draco looked sad.
“What’s wrong?” I asked [Like a moron] as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.
“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said [Lying like a vile example of womankind].
“Really?” asked Draco sensitively [Deluding himself like a pathetic example of mankind] and he put his arm around me all protective.
“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch [But if he wasn’t, and I did know him, I wouldn’t even look twice at your pale, pig-eyed face].” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.
The night went on really well, and I had a great time [But I couldn’t help but wish Draco was Joel]. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz [The band having taken everything below our knees as payment for the autographs], but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!
AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! [Look, I’m sorry. I can accept the odd spelling mistake, but ‘eechodder’? No. F. See me after class]
“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”
Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.
“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily. [It takes a sterling wordsmith to say that pleasantly]
“Ebony?” he asked.
“What?” I snapped.
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts [As does everyone else in this fanfic. Sorry to spoil that for you, but honestly]) which revealed so much depressing sorrow [As opposed to the uplifting sorrow that just about manages to get me through every day] and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.
And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree [I… I’m not sure you can really do it that way]. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie [Penis] into my you-know-what [Vagina] and we did it [Fucked like sexually inexperienced school children destined for a future appearance on Jeremy Kyle]for the first time.
“Oh! Oh! Oh! [It’s magic, you knoooooow. Better believe it!]” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then…
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!” [Told you, Jeremy Kyle]
It was…Dumbledore! [Oh.]
AN: STOP flaming! [Shan’t] if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr![Can I be both?] Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!
Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him [Astonishingly, that should have been ‘Draco and me’, but at least she’s trying]. He kept shouting at us angrily.
“You ludacris […] fools!” he shouted.
I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face [Sudden stigmata is a sign of Vampirism, fyi]. Draco comforted me [Does the man have no shame? Leave her be, lad, Dumbledore is cross enough as it is!]. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.
“They were having sexual intercourse [So she can’t spell ludicrous, but she manages sexual intercourse?I’m calling bullshit on that] in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.
“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” [That’s it, lads. We’ve hit the pinnacle of insult science. Pack away the beakers, unhook the bunsens, we’ve hit the Telos] asked Professor McGonagall.
“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.
And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”
Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms. [And NO fucking. Got that?]“
Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.
“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently.
“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair [With the same brush] and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels [I also wear heels to bed]. When I came out…
Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing “I just wanna live” by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. [I would have been reluctant too. The sort of woman who wears heels to bed is someone I can really get behind, WINK WINK]