The Ballad of Croggley Steinfast

Croggley Steinfast, Reverend of the Church of St. Judy of the Immaculate Complexion, was sat with his hair soaking in the font. This was a daily routine for him, and a much more efficient way, he seemed to think, of sanctifying the water. Besides, the church wouldn’t be opening for a few hours on account of it being Sunday, Reverend Steinfast’s day of rest.

As you may have realised, Croggley Steinfast was a somewhat lax man of the cloth, and that was why he had been assigned to St. Judy’s. His new parish had 3 regular church-goers now, 16 having been driven away during Croggley’s first stab at Confession. Only one man still came to Confession now, and he was up to 40 hail Mary’s and 98 acts of contrition. Ha Ha.

There was a loud knocking on the church’s big wooden doors. Croggley sat up, his long grey hair slopping noisily onto his back as he did so, and grumpily stormed to the door. He threw the door open angrily. The sun was shining brightly through a large stained glass window behind him, giving him the divine aura that only a pissed off priest can truly pull off correctly, and Croggley knew it. The small child at the door, however, seemed less than impressed. She was 4 or 5, her little face bordered by curly gold hair. She looked at him with her silvery blue eyes, her innocent face screwed up into a pout. In her hand was a crumpled letter which she held out to him ever so slightly. Croggley snatched the letter from her and slammed the door in her face. He heard a muffled cry as he walked away.

The letter had the Papal Seal firmly stamped all over it, a menacing bull crushing a goldfish under its powerful hooves. Croggley carelessly ripped open the letter and examined it.

F.A.O Reverend Steinfast,

Fucking sort it out.

Pope Schneider I

Clearly his congregation had complained.


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