I really hate poltergeists. There’s something very upsetting about a creature that steals kids via the static on a television screen. This is compounded by the fact that the NBUO has no useful information on how to get rid of the bloody things. After decades of research you think they’d have something, yet they don’t even know why they exist, let alone how to move them on.

This poltergeist had taken up residence in a church. It had spent the afternoon lobbing crucifixes at parishioners before retiring to the leisurely sport of font-rolling. The vicar got a little scared, managed to exorcise three frightened parishioners to death, then called the police. The NBUO had intercepted the call, being nosy bastards to a man, and sent me to deal with it. The new boy always gets the poltergeists. It’s like a hazing ritual or something.

Poltergeist don’t have auras, which is annoying. I like things with auras, even the gribbley things from other dimensions. Sure, their auras have corners, but at least you can get some sort of understanding of them. Poltergeists are basically uppity children. Dead uppity children. As a result I had a few ways up my sleeve with which to deal with them.

They didn’t work.

Also, a pew upside the head fucking hurts.